Invisible Adjunct

IA, as far as I know, every single one of my brothers and sisters fell down a flight of stairs or out of a tree at least once, and all of the boys were caught playing with matches at least once, and we're all fine now.

The most disastrous events in my family have been marriages and religious conversions. But you won't have to worry about those for over a decade.

I was over at a friend's house not too long ago, and for some reason the topic of childhood injury came up, and every single one of us had some scar from jumping off of something or hitting something or falling on something. :) and we're all fine now...

actually, the interesting thing is that the friend has two small children, and so the final incident was what happened when their young son fell from a second-story window: landed in a pile of beauty bark, got a few scrapes and was otherwise fine. no scar even.

if you haven't had stitches at least once before the age of 10, you haven't really lived.

I think a couple of recent social histories of American parenting advice document how unreliable and historically variant the specific advice is that one might receive--even while they also document how the basic issues of leniency and discipline have remained strikingly constant in modern America. Meaning that the basic choices you face are pretty deeply correspondent to some fundamental orientations to modern life and American culture that you might have--while the specific content is pretty well immaterial.

I have to say that I found in specific the "What To Expect" books incredibly sanctimonous in their desire to avoid being sanctimonous--presenting themselves as a flexible, universal set of loose suggestions, they somehow manage to congeal into a very specific, culturally bounded, white middle-class ethos.

I hate that "What to Expect" book with a passion. It's just so prissy. Not to mention patronizing and sanctimonious.

I could rant at length, but let me just say that they lost me with their "Best-Odds" diet. You can treat yourself to a bagel (or is it half a bagel?) once a week, they write, and once a month you can go all out with a small sliver of cake (without frosting). And with every bite of food (every bite, mind you), before putting it in your mouth you should ask, Is this the best thing I can eat for my baby?

That book is also a prime example of the schizoid stance to breastfeeding that characterizes mainstream advice. They know they have to recommend it because "studies say." But they also think it's icky. Breast is best, but of course you'll want to bottlefeed.

When I was pregnant, I did skim "What to Expect," but I didn't care for some of the material. I read the Girlfriend's pregnancy book, which was mildly amusing, but the best book I found was The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby and the best advice came from reading the experiences of other expectant mothers on misc.kids.pregnancy.

Parenting is another story. I had about nine years of solid daycare experience so I felt comfortable with caring for children up to age ten (teens, however, will be a new experience for me!) but lots of people, especially my mother, wanted to give advice or pass along books. I referenced a couple of DK parenting books when I needed information, and the La Leche book about nursing, but ultimately, we just listened to instinct more than anything else. The end result? Extended nursing and co-sleeping, two things I'd never considered before, and my son is incredibly happy and healthy.

You're right to trust your own heart and head when it comes to your child. :)

Surely our great-grandmothers would have been equally vulnerable to moral and religious guilt about how they were raising their children?

And some of that overlapped with physical caretaking although I wouldn't be surprised if every generation exaggerates the shibboleths of their parents'.

There is a magazine for mothers (and fathers) who don't like the usual "let me tell you how to raise your children" stuff, but I'm hesitant to name it since my wife is the editor and I don't want to hijack this space for advertising. If you want me to I'll provide a link, or anyone could email me directly. If this message is itself too close to advertising, please delete away.

Go ahead: please give us the name of the magazine!

OK, it's called Brain, Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers. Here's a link (or a url at least): http://www.brainchildmag.com/currentissue.htm

I wondered if it was Brain, Child. Great magazine!

Thanks! I'll tell my (ex-adjunct) wife.